Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Head in the Toilet Bowl

I am furious at the cosmos. 
By "furious," I mean subtly agitated and by "cosmos," I mean this tube of front-rolling toilet paper (which is in no way logical!!).

^^Google, not only are you profoundly wrong, but  you need a lesson in punctuation.

Feeling furious, I pucker my lips and furrow my brows with a contemplative (and constipated) look that says, 'I'm going to reverse the toilet paper direction with my mind.' I imagine I actually resemble that  Kansas woman who got stuck to her boyfriend's toilet seat for two years back in '08 because she "didn't want to leave the bathroom." But in that case, where's my Double Big Mac and Supersized soda?

But being the big kid that I am- dare I say, adult- I calmly took a breath and reversed the roll so that the curlicue patterned sheets emerged from underneath.

Cosmic crisis averted. No need for a Nobel.

Here are some other reasons I deserve an ovation:

1. for having no regard of the "Save As" button
2. for becoming a prisoner in my own apartment because lotion and metal-handled doors are at war
3. for failing out of my Journalism class and asking that professor for a recommendation letter
4. for attempting to teach my Sunday School class of eight-graders about Capital Punishment and watching way too many YouTubes on dismembering.
5. for bombing my Wall Street Journal interview by looking up the other candidates beforehand on LinkedIn, staring all green-eye-monster-like at CNN interns and Chinese grad students fluent in "5 romantic languages"- screwed.

While cycling the gym's platinum gerbil wheel later that day, I focused in on two of the four TV screens playing (and teachers wonder why we have such low attention spans) and felt a wave of nausea. One screen panned the crash site in the Sinai where the Russian Metrojet lay like a pulverized aluminum can, with the headline reading, "At least 25 children dead."

I turned to screen number two which projected the picture-day portrait of a boy with perfect almond eyes wearing an aqua tie tucked into a suit vest- a sign of clear parental love. Below his unblemished face read: "9-year-old boy shot and killed on Chicago's South Side."

A word to those who wake up to the wrong side of the roll- press save, go out chapped, use some sense, let children be children, and focus on yourself- because there are things far worse and life doesn't sit still.... unless your boyfriend brings you McNuggets on the loo.

you caught me on an off day

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