Tuesday, January 20, 2015

13 Truths About Winter Break


13 Truths About Winter Break

1. Expect to do you own laundry: realize that you can no longer use the excuse that A. you were never taught or B. you don't want to break the machine. Try out C. "but you're so good at it."

2. Discover that sleep-overs get more fun as you age. Laugh at the ridiculousness of 4 grown friends as they each respond to the command, "right foot, blue." Notice how the game gets absurdly competitive as players begin to twerk in one another's face. Determine that you will not go down with out a fight: swipe your leg break-dance style and knock out the competition. When you win- collapse into the girl pile and fall into everything you've been missing in college.

3. Come to terms with the fact that  pre-break promises to "hang out every night with friends," is a lie. Rediscover the remote, and binge watch Sherlock with a fringed throw blanket draped over your shoulders like a shelled hermit. Become a hermit.

4. Reacquaint yourself with the basketball hoop: remind yourself the fluid movement of bend-flex-release while gluing your feet to the court. Forget how to use the backboard and deliver 4 successive swishes. Look around to see if anyone caught your accomplishment. No one cares. Realize its getting late and wonder why you never practiced at college. Place the ball on the floor, fire it across the gym with your foot, and hear the crack of leather on concrete. Wait for the realization to strike: you've been practicing soccer instead.

5. Feel pumped trying out new recipes you've googled online. Try not to let exhaustion overtake you as you sip and swallow the vegetable soup and lasagna lunch you made from scratch and put in the oven  an 1 hr. 40 min. ago. Become discouraged that you will be making your own food next semester and spend equal amount of time cooking as you will be in class.

6. Check out every available project on Pinterest. Discover that projects titled "easy" are not, and that "yourself" was not considered in the category "Do It Yourself." Give up, then try again, and end up sitting in glue. Explain to your dad later why there is glitter in your hair.

7. Try to learn a new language. Get repeatedly discouraged as you discover that most of Sign Language is arbitrary gang symbols and catatonic gestures. Learn that the sign for "I love you," is the same as the spider man hands.

8. Spend time with the niece and nephews you've missed tremendously. Learn a new game called "mustache smash" and determine to buy it for lazy Shabbat afternoons. Play Candyland past their bedtime and make promises to buy all the treats on the board and play "real Candyland." When they ask twice daily in the time that follows, discover the irrevocable nature of a promise and that children have fantastic memories.

9. Use your mornings hunting for summer jobs. Send out 5 emails every day to potential employers. Send out another 5 emails--this time with your resume attached. Celebrate the Spring internship you were offered by running a victory lap around the house. Send in your acceptance email, descend to the kitchen, and proudly announce to your family, "I've decided to get less sleep."

10. Lose your independence. Get calls at 9 p.m. asking where you are. Make sure to remind them not to lock the storm door. Stand outside feeling cold and peeved.

11. Prepare for an inspirational Kabbalat Shabbat at shul Friday evening. Discover that in the "real world" not everyone does Carralbach styled singing. Mumble the tunes to yourself, feeling uninspired.

12. Yell down the staircase that the bathroom scale is broken. All-you-can-eat-around-the-clock meals have not gone unnoticed by gravity. Download MyFitnessPal app, and log everything. Sometimes "forget" to log, and on these days, eat cookies and milk for breakfast.

13. Prepare yourself for witty answers when people at shul or in the grocery market ask you what you've been up to over break. Give them your best truth--the best news you can share. Discover that 6 weeks is way too long. Admit to yourself the inevitable: you're ready to go back.

Sincerely,
Trying approach  D. "but I don't know how to get glue out of my clothes"

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